Requiem - Dies irae Chapter 11

[shivalries]

Season: Winter

CW: Heavy alcohol use mention

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[Downtown]

(That night)

Tsukasa: (……)

(…Ahh, seems I nodded off for a bit.)

(This won’t do. I’m not a child, after all.)

(I know I can trust that I’ll be driven safely home even while I sleep, but it would be shameful to appear so drowsy in front of the chauffeur.)

(That would be an unthinkable blunder for the one who will one day shoulder our family’s responsibilities.)

(N-No one noticed, right? I’ll just close my eyes and pretend I was simply lost in thought. ♪)

(All the same… Ahh, I’ve been lacking sleep of late. My eyes feel so heavy. It’s fortunate that Father’s condition has stabilized, at least.)

(Though, it remained unstable for such a long time that it was unmistakably critical…)

(Relatives aside, we even had visitors from families we’ve never interacted with outside of business.)

(…What’s vexing is that Tori-kun ended up seeing me depressed.)

(Others may scorn me all they like, but your disdain, Tori-kun, is the one thing I do not want.)

(After all, you and I have always walked through life at the same pace until now.)

(It all started with… yes, you. When I’d heard the noble son of that Himemiya family was indulging himself in idols, a most base and gaudy form of entertainment...)

(…I’d thought it only natural for someone of such lowly “new rich” lineage.)

(To satisfy what little self-respect I had, I sneered at you, saying your penniless roots would never be erased no matter how you may try to maintain appearances.)

(However… Slowly, you became entranced, as if caught up in a daydream. You wouldn’t show up to lessons, and seeing you at social gatherings became a rare occurrence—)

(You tried so hard to hide that hobby of yours, yet it was clear as day to the adults around you…)

(In the meantime, I diligently continued to attend lessons and events. Right beside me, the adults would whisper gleeful gossip about you.)

(With the same words I’d used to insult you before, they slandered you. They scorned you.)

(They said you were a fattened pig who’d just gotten lucky-- nothing more than a disgusting commoner.)

(And with the same mouths they used to mock you, they praised me.)

(Proclaiming me the very image of a noble, diligent and obedient…that the Suou family had raised such a splendid son.)

(I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Rather, it sent me right over the moon. I felt so proud of myself.)

(To show off, I began to mimic the adults around me, but I said some terrible things to you, didn’t I?)

(Looking down on you, I declared that it was me who was superior. In my mind, I had won.)

(I pretended I was above you… like a snorting pig that squealed in delight when fed.)

(But you only laughed, right? There wasn’t even a hint of distress on your face…)

(The blade both the adults and I had tried to pierce you with did not leave a single scratch.)

(Rather, like an adult smiling down at a child playing war with toy soldiers...)

(With a gaze filled with both pity and superiority, you looked me in the eye.)

(Then you smiled and said: “I feel so sorry for you!”)

(In one fell swoop, I lost all my confidence. I felt like my heart had been struck through.)

(I’d carelessly turned my blade on you, but instead it bounced back and cut deeply into me—)

(Even now, that wound has not healed.)

(Since that day—no, since even before then, I have always hated and envied you.)

(…One day, thanks to the adults’ blunder, my lessons had been delayed.)

(I suddenly had so much free time, and then, like a fool, I’d gotten a little lost…)

(Before long, I found I’d wandered into a big building filled with many unknown doors.)

(No matter which door I opened, I was always met with an utterly unfamiliar sight.)

(Every room was full of things that had been removed from my environment; the stench of alcohol and the odor of tobacco flooded my nose, and my eyes and ears were overwhelmed by the vivid sights and sounds.)

(Frightened, I cried and ran, losing my way even further.)

(Pathetic, isn’t it? Had we lived in ancient times, I would’ve already reached the age of adulthood. But instead, I knew nothing. I was a flower carefully raised in a miniature garden.)

(I didn’t know where to go, or who to turn to…)

(The people I would occasionally pass by wore clothes I’d never seen before, and they only seemed like aliens babbling away in unknown languages.)

(I didn’t have the courage to speak to them, and yet, I felt ashamed to show my tears in front of others...)

(So whenever I encountered someone, I would put on a brave face and march confidently onwards.)

(Compared to you, who once said you were “so sorry” for me…)

(I must’ve looked a shameful idiot, like Don Quixote picking fights with windmills.) [1]

(As I walked ahead in a daze, I began to hear music.)

(It sounded a bit like the melodies you would hum to yourself sometimes.)

(By then, I was so distraught that I kept imagining everything was out to get me.)

(I don’t care, I’ll even take that stupid Tori-kun at this point if he’ll help me, I began to think…and so I opened a door, envisioning I might see you on the other side.)

(I might’ve even called out your name as I sobbed.)

(Though I may have been born first… you’ve always matured faster than me, and have stayed always just one small step ahead.)

(That’s always been a great annoyance to me, but I do have some respect for you, you know.)

(So as though I was a small child again, I wanted to hide behind you, “the big kid”, once more…)

(But behind the door I’d thrown myself past…was a gathering place for outcasts.)

(It was probably a small bar of sorts.)

(Young and old, men and women, all dressed in peculiar and unique outfits, speaking in coarse words about past glories and mindless gossip.)

(And there, in the deepest corner of the place, someone was passionately singing karaoke.)

(He gave no mind to melody, only shouting out lyrics that were so strange, one might have wondered if he was just making them up.)

(I tried to hold back my tears as I intently took in this strange sight. But when he saw me watching him, he assumed that I was an old fan of his…)

(He came right up to me and shoved a great number of signed CDs into my arms. Apparently he was a retired idol who had fallen from popularity.)

(The name on the CD was… “Backgammon”. Though I could read the word, I didn’t know what it meant. When he saw my confused expression, he began telling me all these long, boastful stories about himself.)

(He said that he used to be an idol. It had been the one, single happy memory in his life, the whole of his youth…)

(He’d had quite a bit to drink, and as he sang, he began to cry.)

(It seemed that he had hurt others in the past. And all this time, he had held onto those regrets…)

(In his drunken confusion, he mistook me for someone else. Wracked with sobs, he told me not to end up like him.)

(“My king! My king! How I hate you and how I love you!”)

(“How I’ll regret it all my life, and how I won’t! You’re the reason for all my unhappiness, but for my blessings too! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but that’s just why I love you!”)

(It was incomprehensible and full of contradictions, but those words, screamed amid the beautiful melodies of the song…)

(…have never left my ears, no matter how I try to shake them away.)

(Who could that have been? At the time, I was also a touch intoxicated from the mere smell of alcohol and tobacco…)

(On top of having worn myself out, my thoughts and senses were vague and fuzzy. I still don’t know for sure what I saw. It might’ve blurred together with a dream or an illusion.)

(But even now, the CDs I’d been forced to take…still stand out at the very back of a chest of drawers, a tansu passed down to me from generations past.) [2]

(In the space between Mozart and Chopin sits a disc, burned with the songs of a pitiable idol forgotten by time—)

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[1] Don Quixote is a character from classic Spanish literature. He believed himself to be a valiant knight, but he only looked like a madman to people around him. In a famous scene, he fights duels with windmills as if they were fearsome foes.

[2] A tansu is a Japanese wardrobe originating in the Edo Period. They're considered antiques now, so it makes sense that Tsukasa, son of an ancient warrior family, still has one. ;)

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