Next Door - Monologue 1
Oct. 6th, 2020 03:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shivalriesSeason: Winter, 2 Years Ago
CW: emetophobia, derealization
---
[Leo's Room]
(Late winter two years ago, on a soundless night in Leo Tsukinaga's home)
Leo: (I still...)
(I still can't hear a single sound.)
(The melodies that were always resonating in my mind since I was a little kid... have gone silent.)
(My head's fuzzy. Everything sounds so muffled and far away. I can't even hear my own heartbeat or breathing.)
......
(But... I was the one who wanted this.)
(Mom, Dad...)
(Ruka-tan, Sena... They all came here so many times, worried about me.)
(I ranted, I raved, I broke and smashed things, chasing them out of my room. "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UUUUP!"... I yelled.)
(Everything sounded like horrible, grating noises out to hurt me. I couldn't tell the difference between those and the sweet, soothing melodies of their kindness, so I pushed it all away at once.)
(And this is what I got. It's just karma. I did it to myself.)
(......)
(I wanna apologize... I want them to forgive me. I wanna be forgiven.)
(I wanna return to when I was a kid and everything in the world seemed to sparkle.)
(I would sing like the idols on TV, and Ruka-tan would smile. Then, seeing us, Mom and Dad would smile too.)
(Everyone looked so happy... I thought things would be that way forever and ever.)
(So where did I go wrong? When did I break?)
(I really can't go back and do it over again? Am I stuck in this cold, quiet place for eternity...?)
(I don't want that.)
(It's cold. It's scary. I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna sit in silence.)
(...Maybe I'll listen to music. The music I filled with all my favorite things, the music that everyone loved and praised. Most of it's been stained with blood during our battles, though.)
(It's just become a tool to hurt other people.)
(Umm, how do I get it to play again? My hands are shaking. My mind's gone blank. It's all a mess, just a pile of mush...)
(It'll be alright. I can do it, at least this much. Everyone called me amazing, a genius... in terms of music, anyway.)
(Ah, right. This is it. This is how you play music... The music I love.)
(~...♪)
(♪ ♪ ♪ ♪)
......
...Grk—
Ngh... hrk... [retching noises]
*cough, cough*
(Aaaagh!! I can't! It's useless! This music is supposed to be filled with all my favorite things, but there's just no point.)
(I remember all of it.)
(Every single note holds a memory.)
(I was so happy that everyone enjoyed my songs, delighted that they smiled for me... since the moment I came to Yumenosaki, I was always writing music for other people.)
(Making songs was my greatest joy, so I thought it was a fair deal. We struck even.)
(Some smartasses might say I was just being exploited for my talent, but it wasn't like that at all.)
(I was happy, too.)
(But we couldn't all be smiling and laughing together forever. We're not family, after all.)
(Everyone's different, so there are conflicts of interest, and everybody's always comparing their shares—)
(It seems that kinda thing was always on people's minds.)
(My songs became the key to success for those who received them. That's why everyone wanted them, stole them, and fought over them.)
(But did people really need something like that—a key...?)
(It's all because of the keys—everyone began to notice that this world is full of doors, and that beyond those doors hide many treasures.)
(So they attacked and stole from each other, soaking their hands in blood...)
(But... wasn't everyone perfectly happy as kids, even without obtaining the treasures beyond those doors? Just like I was, probably.)
(That's why I liked everybody the moment I met them. We sympathized with each other, found a common language, enjoyed talking with each other, got closer—became friends.)
(I did what I could for the friends I loved. Like a little kid. Like an idiot.)
(I wrote songs that would bring out the sparkle in each and every one of them.)
(Everyone came to Yumenosaki because they wanted to become idols—they're supposed to love and have an interest in music, so I believed that they would be happy about my songs.)
(But was it all really necessary?)
(I just decided on my own what a person's talents and lives and personalities were like, then whipped it all up into my own piece.)
(I'd write a song that really suited them—that would make them shine.)
(But did it really...? There might've been another song that would suit them better.)
(And even if there wasn't, they might've wanted to express something different.)
(...Something cheap and tacky, that wouldn't get any attention, but was important to them nonetheless.)
---
< Closed Circle Chapter 5 || Masterlist || Monologue 2 >
CW: emetophobia, derealization
---
[Leo's Room]
(Late winter two years ago, on a soundless night in Leo Tsukinaga's home)
Leo: (I still...)
(I still can't hear a single sound.)
(The melodies that were always resonating in my mind since I was a little kid... have gone silent.)
(My head's fuzzy. Everything sounds so muffled and far away. I can't even hear my own heartbeat or breathing.)
......
(But... I was the one who wanted this.)
(Mom, Dad...)
(Ruka-tan, Sena... They all came here so many times, worried about me.)
(I ranted, I raved, I broke and smashed things, chasing them out of my room. "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UUUUP!"... I yelled.)
(Everything sounded like horrible, grating noises out to hurt me. I couldn't tell the difference between those and the sweet, soothing melodies of their kindness, so I pushed it all away at once.)
(And this is what I got. It's just karma. I did it to myself.)
(......)
(I wanna apologize... I want them to forgive me. I wanna be forgiven.)
(I wanna return to when I was a kid and everything in the world seemed to sparkle.)
(I would sing like the idols on TV, and Ruka-tan would smile. Then, seeing us, Mom and Dad would smile too.)
(Everyone looked so happy... I thought things would be that way forever and ever.)
(So where did I go wrong? When did I break?)
(I really can't go back and do it over again? Am I stuck in this cold, quiet place for eternity...?)
(I don't want that.)
(It's cold. It's scary. I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna sit in silence.)
(...Maybe I'll listen to music. The music I filled with all my favorite things, the music that everyone loved and praised. Most of it's been stained with blood during our battles, though.)
(It's just become a tool to hurt other people.)
(Umm, how do I get it to play again? My hands are shaking. My mind's gone blank. It's all a mess, just a pile of mush...)
(It'll be alright. I can do it, at least this much. Everyone called me amazing, a genius... in terms of music, anyway.)
(Ah, right. This is it. This is how you play music... The music I love.)
(~...♪)
(♪ ♪ ♪ ♪)
......
...Grk—
Ngh... hrk... [retching noises]
*cough, cough*
(Aaaagh!! I can't! It's useless! This music is supposed to be filled with all my favorite things, but there's just no point.)
(I remember all of it.)
(Every single note holds a memory.)
(I was so happy that everyone enjoyed my songs, delighted that they smiled for me... since the moment I came to Yumenosaki, I was always writing music for other people.)
(Making songs was my greatest joy, so I thought it was a fair deal. We struck even.)
(Some smartasses might say I was just being exploited for my talent, but it wasn't like that at all.)
(I was happy, too.)
(But we couldn't all be smiling and laughing together forever. We're not family, after all.)
(Everyone's different, so there are conflicts of interest, and everybody's always comparing their shares—)
(It seems that kinda thing was always on people's minds.)
(My songs became the key to success for those who received them. That's why everyone wanted them, stole them, and fought over them.)
(But did people really need something like that—a key...?)
(It's all because of the keys—everyone began to notice that this world is full of doors, and that beyond those doors hide many treasures.)
(So they attacked and stole from each other, soaking their hands in blood...)
(But... wasn't everyone perfectly happy as kids, even without obtaining the treasures beyond those doors? Just like I was, probably.)
(That's why I liked everybody the moment I met them. We sympathized with each other, found a common language, enjoyed talking with each other, got closer—became friends.)
(I did what I could for the friends I loved. Like a little kid. Like an idiot.)
(I wrote songs that would bring out the sparkle in each and every one of them.)
(Everyone came to Yumenosaki because they wanted to become idols—they're supposed to love and have an interest in music, so I believed that they would be happy about my songs.)
(But was it all really necessary?)
(I just decided on my own what a person's talents and lives and personalities were like, then whipped it all up into my own piece.)
(I'd write a song that really suited them—that would make them shine.)
(But did it really...? There might've been another song that would suit them better.)
(And even if there wasn't, they might've wanted to express something different.)
(...Something cheap and tacky, that wouldn't get any attention, but was important to them nonetheless.)
---
< Closed Circle Chapter 5 || Masterlist || Monologue 2 >
