Requiem - Lux aeterna Chapter 29
Jul. 29th, 2020 10:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shivalriesSeason: Winter
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[Repayment Festival Stage]
Tsukasa: Of course, you'll still have to graduate. Your work base will change, and Knights, being an in-school unit, will have to change over to a new generation.
But just like Sena-senpai, I'm certain you intend to run over to our aid if we call for your help as an idol.
Even though it must've been scary... You once went through hell, and it put a great fear of the stage within you.
That's why you never seemed to be very motivated back then, when you had just returned.
And yet, you mustered up all your courage and continued on as a member of Knights... as an idol.
I'm sure your personal strength had much to do with it. But if I may be so arrogant... I would say our support and all the bonds we've built up together helped as well.
You stood back up with your own strength and, with our help, began to walk again. You even started to hope that you could continue walking on like this forever.
Yet we treated you like you were made of glass.
You had broken and disappeared once before, so we handled you with great care—no, in fact we insulted you... thinking you were something fragile.
Under the guise of kindness, we were instead thoughtlessly stabbing you over and over.
"If it's too hard, then you don't need to try." "We'll be fine even without you." "It's alright, we just hope you'll live freely and happily, doing as you please"—
We never said those things directly to you, but you must have perceived it that way, right?
Hidden in the small ways we tried to be thoughtful, the times we would hold back, the things we'd say here and there... you could see our true intentions.
We love you. That's why we want you to be happy. We don't want to force you to do anything, so we don't mind you quitting idol work if it's too painful for you.
That's probably what it sounded like between the lines.
But you wanted to push yourself, didn't you?
Because you love us, and love being an idol... that's why you struggled with all your might, right?
You crawled back up onto the stage all covered with blood, and called us to battle, brandishing your weapon high...
Yet we pitied you even then. We urged you to rest instead of pushing yourself.
You must've felt that we didn't think of you as a valuable warrior, like you were just getting in our way...
Even though you wanted to be useful and fight alongside us... to live on as an idol for both our sakes and yours.
So, believing that we didn't want that for you, you began to sulk like a little child, right?
I'm sure you felt sad and uncertain. It's no wonder your resentment piled up and eventually exploded.
You felt like we didn't truly need you. And yet, even though we knew you'd been once torn to shreds by heartless people who really did think you were useless...
We gouged at those old wounds, over and over.
Asking if you were going to quit became a taboo question for you.
It's just like when you said we would only betray you either way.
We had no faith in you, and instead treated you like some stranger who would leave us in time...
It was so crude—we acted as if you simply had nothing to do with us.
Of course you'd be angry. We didn't believe in you, and yet we went on and on about how you were our comrade...
We were only concerned with appearances, and failed to understand anything about your true feelings.
No, we didn't even try to understand. All we did was stand around you and look on from afar in pity.
I'm sorry, Leo-san. We are... I am the worst. The villain to be defeated by the knights... is me.
Leo: No no, don't apologize! I've got a bad track record of chucking it all out and running! Anyone would suspect me!
And I mean, I was the one who started a fight and said all those awful things to you guys!
Even if it was in self-defense, I went too far. I'm the one who should be apologizing.
I'm really sorry. I got my hopes up only to get disappointed all by myself. It had all started to remind me of back when I thought nobody would love me the way I loved them...
So my mind just totally blanked out, and I ended up hurting you all way more than I ever meant to.
Izumi: (Back then, huh...)
(By back then, he means that time, right? That performance, when Leo-kun began to crack?)
(Leo-kun went around to all his former comrades and asked them which they treasured more: the person called Leo Tsukinaga, or the songs that he made.)
(He made them choose between the two.)
(What he proposed was if they chose his songs, he'd write them some but would never speak to them again, but if they chose him, then he'd never make songs for them again.)
(They all chose the former—the songs over Leo-kun himself. Not surprising, since that's the more profitable choice.)
(Having a genius write your songs is the better option by far.)
(Back then, we had no bonds or love or anything, we were just hanging out for our mutual benefit...)
(Nobody would've chosen to discard all of Leo-kun's songs in exchange for their friendship with him.)
(Not one... Not even a single person. And so Leo-kun began to crumble, realizing no one loved or needed him.)
(I was the only exception. Leo-kun never forced a choice on me.)
(Maybe he trusted that we'd built up a strong bond over the time we spent together?)
(Or maybe... he was just too scared to ask?)
(I don't even know how I would've responded back then. I was feeling so sorry for myself that not even Naru-kun's scolding would've worked on me.)
(For my own sake, for my own benefit... I might've made the choice that would have left a permanent scar on Leo-kun.)
(He only had me and his family, so if even I had ended up betraying him...)
(I think he would've shattered beyond repair right then and there.)
(Looking back on the path we were going down... It might've just been a matter of time.)
(Right before he shut himself away, Leo-kun did all sorts of things that earned him hate.)
(He acted much crueler than he needed to, hurting himself and everyone around him in the process. Even I got cursed out in all kinds of ways...)
(He made himself into the villain! Tried to give me a good reason for all my aggression and betrayal!)
(Just so I wouldn't start to loathe even my own self, so at least I could hold on to my will to live...?)
(Were you... protecting me, Leo-kun? All the way until the very, very end...?)
(And all this time... until this very moment, I... I never noticed...?)
---
< Lux aeterna Chapter 28 || Masterlist || Lux aeterna Chapter 30 >
---
[Repayment Festival Stage]
Tsukasa: Of course, you'll still have to graduate. Your work base will change, and Knights, being an in-school unit, will have to change over to a new generation.
But just like Sena-senpai, I'm certain you intend to run over to our aid if we call for your help as an idol.
Even though it must've been scary... You once went through hell, and it put a great fear of the stage within you.
That's why you never seemed to be very motivated back then, when you had just returned.
And yet, you mustered up all your courage and continued on as a member of Knights... as an idol.
I'm sure your personal strength had much to do with it. But if I may be so arrogant... I would say our support and all the bonds we've built up together helped as well.
You stood back up with your own strength and, with our help, began to walk again. You even started to hope that you could continue walking on like this forever.
Yet we treated you like you were made of glass.
You had broken and disappeared once before, so we handled you with great care—no, in fact we insulted you... thinking you were something fragile.
Under the guise of kindness, we were instead thoughtlessly stabbing you over and over.
"If it's too hard, then you don't need to try." "We'll be fine even without you." "It's alright, we just hope you'll live freely and happily, doing as you please"—
We never said those things directly to you, but you must have perceived it that way, right?
Hidden in the small ways we tried to be thoughtful, the times we would hold back, the things we'd say here and there... you could see our true intentions.
We love you. That's why we want you to be happy. We don't want to force you to do anything, so we don't mind you quitting idol work if it's too painful for you.
That's probably what it sounded like between the lines.
But you wanted to push yourself, didn't you?
Because you love us, and love being an idol... that's why you struggled with all your might, right?
You crawled back up onto the stage all covered with blood, and called us to battle, brandishing your weapon high...
Yet we pitied you even then. We urged you to rest instead of pushing yourself.
You must've felt that we didn't think of you as a valuable warrior, like you were just getting in our way...
Even though you wanted to be useful and fight alongside us... to live on as an idol for both our sakes and yours.
So, believing that we didn't want that for you, you began to sulk like a little child, right?
I'm sure you felt sad and uncertain. It's no wonder your resentment piled up and eventually exploded.
You felt like we didn't truly need you. And yet, even though we knew you'd been once torn to shreds by heartless people who really did think you were useless...
We gouged at those old wounds, over and over.
Asking if you were going to quit became a taboo question for you.
It's just like when you said we would only betray you either way.
We had no faith in you, and instead treated you like some stranger who would leave us in time...
It was so crude—we acted as if you simply had nothing to do with us.
Of course you'd be angry. We didn't believe in you, and yet we went on and on about how you were our comrade...
We were only concerned with appearances, and failed to understand anything about your true feelings.
No, we didn't even try to understand. All we did was stand around you and look on from afar in pity.
I'm sorry, Leo-san. We are... I am the worst. The villain to be defeated by the knights... is me.
Leo: No no, don't apologize! I've got a bad track record of chucking it all out and running! Anyone would suspect me!
And I mean, I was the one who started a fight and said all those awful things to you guys!
Even if it was in self-defense, I went too far. I'm the one who should be apologizing.
I'm really sorry. I got my hopes up only to get disappointed all by myself. It had all started to remind me of back when I thought nobody would love me the way I loved them...
So my mind just totally blanked out, and I ended up hurting you all way more than I ever meant to.
Izumi: (Back then, huh...)
(By back then, he means that time, right? That performance, when Leo-kun began to crack?)
(Leo-kun went around to all his former comrades and asked them which they treasured more: the person called Leo Tsukinaga, or the songs that he made.)
(He made them choose between the two.)
(What he proposed was if they chose his songs, he'd write them some but would never speak to them again, but if they chose him, then he'd never make songs for them again.)
(They all chose the former—the songs over Leo-kun himself. Not surprising, since that's the more profitable choice.)
(Having a genius write your songs is the better option by far.)
(Back then, we had no bonds or love or anything, we were just hanging out for our mutual benefit...)
(Nobody would've chosen to discard all of Leo-kun's songs in exchange for their friendship with him.)
(Not one... Not even a single person. And so Leo-kun began to crumble, realizing no one loved or needed him.)
(I was the only exception. Leo-kun never forced a choice on me.)
(Maybe he trusted that we'd built up a strong bond over the time we spent together?)
(Or maybe... he was just too scared to ask?)
(I don't even know how I would've responded back then. I was feeling so sorry for myself that not even Naru-kun's scolding would've worked on me.)
(For my own sake, for my own benefit... I might've made the choice that would have left a permanent scar on Leo-kun.)
(He only had me and his family, so if even I had ended up betraying him...)
(I think he would've shattered beyond repair right then and there.)
(Looking back on the path we were going down... It might've just been a matter of time.)
(Right before he shut himself away, Leo-kun did all sorts of things that earned him hate.)
(He acted much crueler than he needed to, hurting himself and everyone around him in the process. Even I got cursed out in all kinds of ways...)
(He made himself into the villain! Tried to give me a good reason for all my aggression and betrayal!)
(Just so I wouldn't start to loathe even my own self, so at least I could hold on to my will to live...?)
(Were you... protecting me, Leo-kun? All the way until the very, very end...?)
(And all this time... until this very moment, I... I never noticed...?)
---
< Lux aeterna Chapter 28 || Masterlist || Lux aeterna Chapter 30 >
